rating: +76+x

Test firing of an Ahab-2 unit off the Eastern coast of Brazil.

Item #: SPC-169

Object Class: Megalodon

Shark Punching Contingencies: Due to its immense size, direct punching of SPC-169 will prove impractical. As such, Project Ahab has been established for the full-scale pugilization of SPC-169.

Project Ahab consists of simultaneous Dreadnought-class punchery from five separate sources in the southern Atlantic Ocean:

  1. Ahab-1 "Fist of Neptune": 50 satellites currently located in stationary orbit over critical points of SPC-169's anatomy. These satellites are capable of releasing 100kg tungsten-osmium sculptures of fists into Earth's atmosphere, which will use the natural acceleration of Earth's gravity to punch SPC-169 at terminal velocity.
  2. Ahab-2 "Fist of Triton": Ten volleys of 20 intercontinental ballistic missiles modified for shark-punching purposes with Kaiju-grade Doomfist tips.
  3. Ahab-3 "Fist of Calypso": Two-stage operation in which Megara-277EA92R (a van-sized asteroid in an L4 orbit around the Earth) is 1. implanted with several boxing gloves, and 2. magnetized directly onto SPC-169.
  4. Ahab-4 "Fist of Cthulhu": 500 modified drilling rigs will be installed on the exterior of SPC-169 for the purpose of applying continuous punching action over the course of several years.
  5. Ahab-5 "Fist of Nemo": [DATA EXPUNGED] will be trained in bareknuckle boxing techniques and summoned to challenge SPC-169 to fisticuffs.

Description: SPC-169 is the largest shark ever encountered by the Shark Punching Center, believed to be between 2,000 and 8,000 km in length. Radar analysis has detected a hardened outer carapace, indications of a state of dormancy, and, unfortunately, a complete lack of exterior indications of punching. SPC-169 is believed to have existed since the Pre-Cambrian era. Due to the ethical ramifications of a shark having remained unpunched for that long, Project Ahab is to be executed as soon as possible.

Addendum 1 - Shark Identification Discrepancies:

<Begin Log>

Dr. Swayze: Sir, we have reason to believe that SPC-169 is not a shark.

Administrator: Explain.

Dr. Swayze: SPC-169 has an exoskeleton, as well as multiple sets of limbs and feelers. In truth, I believe SPC-169 is a very large arthropod.

Administrator: Interesting. Tell me, is SPC-169 located in the ocean?

Dr. Swayze: Yes.

Administrator: Is it larger than a dolphin?

Dr. Swayze: [Audible sigh] Yes.

Administrator: Does it have lots of pointy parts that could potentially be dangerous? Then it's a shark! This is entry-level sharkspotting; you really should know better at this point.

Dr. Swayze: Sir, with all due respect: by that logic, sperm whales, orcas, and narwhals could also be called "sharks".

Administrator: …oh God, no.

<End Log>

Following this meeting, an emergency initiative was established for the investigation and immediate punching of SPC-170 ("Moby Dick Sharks"), SPC-171 ("Free Willy Sharks"), and SPC-172 ("Sword Sharks?!").

Addendum 2 - Ethics Committee Review:

<Begin Log>

Dr. Balboa: We've been going over the agenda for Project Ahab, and I think we need to step up the lethality.

Administrator: On what grounds?

Dr. Balboa: If we were to punch this… shark, and we did not kill it, I'm fairly certain its enraged awakening would potentially cause irreversible damage to human civilization.

Administrator: But would it be punched?

Dr. Balboa: The human race would go extinct, but yes, SPC-169 would be punched.

Administrator: Look, whatever the fine print says, our job is done once the fist is in the shark's bitch face. Forgive me if I fail to see how the most punchable shark in our organization's history is generating so much nitpicking.

<End Log>

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License