Extranormal Event #: 2016-045
Date of Occurrence: 01/1/2016
Event Description: From approximately 6:00 pm to 11:00pm a broadcast overwrote the regularly scheduled programming for a number of television channels with an unknown film. Immediately after its release, the film secured a rating of -[REDACTED] on Rotten Tomatoes, and multiple individuals attempted to file lawsuits against the broadcasting networks for “mind fuckery [sic] and crimes against humanity.”
Follow-up Actions Taken: Visual Class-A amnestics were distributed through the use of the Neptune Protocol. All digital information pertaining to the film, with the exception of a single copy, were expunged by Foundation web crawlers. As per standard procedure, the film was shown during the weekly “Super Crappy Philm night.” There were no survivors. See Incident Report 2016-045 for a list of both physical and mental casualties.
“Alright everyone, hope you got your popcorn ready, cuz we got a real doozy tonight! The memetics guys said that the D-class tried to lobotomize himself five minutes in. I expect you guys to reach at least the 30-minute mark with your mind intact. Will be good for dealing with contango hazards…or something. Anyway, let’s get started! Put on your 3D glasses…Ok now put on another pair. Yes, on top of the ones you already have. This shit is in 6D motherfuckers! Prepare for pain.”
[Sound of a television booting up. Scene opens with stock footage of pandas. Voiceover performed by a man trying and very much failing to sound like David Attenborough] “The panda, one of the most endangered species on the planet. Few survive in the wild, and even fewer breed in captivity.Who could have driven these innocent creatures to the brink of oblivion? [Cut to generic war footage]Man. Man drove this catastrophe to occur with-[13 MINUTES OF SUPERFLUOUS EXPOSITION EXPUNGED]. Now, man attempts to fix his wrongdoings, but in the process, he will destroy all that he holds dear.
[Sound of multiple Foundation personnel crying can be heard in the background and continues for the rest of the film].
[A man and a woman are seen talking in a laboratory.]
Woman: “But Doctor Carter, are you sure that this…serum? Will work?"
Dr. Carter: “[Super thick Brittish Accent] Yes Ms. Sue, of course I do. This serum will increase the breeding capacity of the pandas by 1000% percent. And it is completely safe, I tested some on my cat and he was completely fine.[Though the open window, multiple poorly rendered storm clouds slide into view on an otherwise completely sunny day]."
[Cuts back to a suburban home with Dr. Carter and Ms. Sue inside]
Ms. Sue: “The cure was a complete success Doctor! Now we have even more pandas”
Dr. Carter: “Yes Ms. Jane and I could not have done it without your help. Why don’t we have sex?"
Ms. Sue: “Of course.”
[The two move out of the frame and the camera centers on the vial of ‘bear serum’, which shakes as multiple hairs begin to grow out of the liquid. In the background, a poorly animated shadow of a cat begins to grow and morph into an ursine shape]
[Doctor Carter and Ms. Sue are seen driving down the road, both missing various articles of clothing. Ms. Susan is bleeding from multiple claw wounds]
Ms. Sue: “Doctor!, I-I don’t understand. How could this have happened?"
Dr. Carter: “I don’t know. The chemicals must have mutated and infected every atom of DNA within the body of the cat! W-What could this mean?"
Ms. Sue: “Doctor… I’m not feeling so good. Rather…UNBEARABLE RRRROOOOAAAARRR.”
[Dr. Carter screams and swerves off the side of the road].
[President Obama is seen sitting at a table with other officials. Everyone watches a news report showcasing a column of bears engulfing the Statue of Liberty.]
President Obama: “[Turns towards a general] I want everything in New York. Army, Navy, Airforce. Hell, bring in NASA too! We have to stop this thing before it spreads any further.”
General Bearington: “ROOOOAAAARRR.”
President Obama: “I knew I could count on you General Bearington.”
[Dr. Carter is seen standing beside General Bearington as both survey a large battlefield. Below them, soldiers fight in close quarters with the bears. A large grizzly takes a swipe at a random trooper, but the blow is unable to cut through the man’s heavy armor.]
General Bearington: “ROOOAAAARRR.”
Dr. Carter: “Yes Mr. Bearington, the armor I designed is working absolutely perfectly. It is completely impenetrable to their claws! With this we will be victorious in - [scream is heard from below] what the?!”
[A soldier far back from the main line drops his gun and nurses his hand in pain. As the gun clatters to the ground, a ring of sharp teeth is shown to have formed along the handle and the metallic finish begins to shift into a brown tone. The armor of multiple soldiers starts to shudder and grow hair. The gun on the ground twists and raises itself up. The newly formed bear’s mouth emits a resounding roar]
[The president and Dr. Carter are seen communicating with each other through a video phone. Carter’s connection periodically cuts in and out throughout their conversation].
Dr. Carter: “It’s no use sir! The chemicals in the serum are evolving! Anything it touches becomes bears!"
President Obama: “Hmmm…Becomes bears…Wait a moment! I have an idea.”
[A number of soldiers are seen at the end of a bridge, shooting at a line of charging bears. As the bears stampede closer, a single soldier panics and tries to flee, only to be stopped by the hand of a large man with a full beard. He pats the shoulder reassuringly before wordlessly stepping out in front of the line of soldiers and slowly walks towards the bears. A few other large men with massive facial hair follow. The soldiers call out to them, yelling at the men to fall back to cover, but they continue to walk, even as a large black bear approaches. It lets out a menacing howl and claws the face of the first man. Behind them, the soldiers gasp and look away. But the man barely has a scratch on his face. He simply wipes off the blood and smirks as the bear looks on, completely dumbfounded as to why the man is unturned.]
Bearded man: “Heh, fool. We’re already bears.”
[Bearded man proceeds to punch the bear off of the bridge and into the water below. The other men charge into the literal sea of bears. The bears panic and flee into the forest. The men triumphantly embrace each other and share a passionate kiss.]
[Dr. Carter, General Bearington, and a number of physicians are seen crowding around an operating table, examining the corpse of one of the bearded men. He has no physical injuries, except for copious amounts of dried blood around his ears.]
Technician: “I don’t understand it. They were just listening to music on their phones when all of them started screaming. How did they die?”
[Doctor Carter grimly sets down a number of X-Rays of the inside of the man’s brain. Claw marks are clearly visible on the interior of the skull. All present gasp]
Technician: “B-but they were supposed to be immune!”
Dr. Carter: “Exactly [throws down a pair of earbuds, still covered in fur and teeth], they were our best defense aginst this Bearmageddon.”
[All present silently bow their heads.]
Dr. Carter: “No friends, we must not give up on hope. The vaccine is still under development, we can beat this!"
General Bearington: "[squints] ROOAAARRR."
[All jump up in surprise]
Dr. Carter: "You’re saying that there is no way the bears could have snuck those headphones in from the outside!?"
General Bearington: "[nods] roar."
Dr. Carter: “ [turns to look back towards the corpse]. If Mr. Barrington’s assertion is true…[looks around at all individuals present] We have a traitor amongst us."
General Bearington: "ROOOAAARRR."
[General Bearington is seen hunched over sadly in a prison cell. Stripped of his rank and his hat. Other cast members are standing outside of the cell.]
Dr. Carter: “I can’t believe we didn’t see it sooner. Mr. Bearington IS A DAMN BEAR.”
President Obama: “Good work people. You’ve stopped the greatest threat to reclaiming the planet- .”
Dr. Carter: “ No problem Mr. President happy we could-.”
President Obama: “for Bearkind!.”
[Majority of soldiers turn their weapons on the party]
Dr. Carter: “Wait What!!???”
President Obama: “ [Coldly laughs] oh foolish Doctor. So so intelligent, but so so stupid. What is the thing that we Americans pride most? [Dramatically removes his gloves and smiles as he reveals his claws]. The right, my dear doctor, to bear arms.”
[General Bearington is seen lying in a pool of blood. To his left, a headless and armless Obama corpse slowly freezes in the harsh Himalayan cold. Dr. Carter closes the eyes of his ursine - no- HUMAN comrade.]
Dr. Carter: “I’m sorry friend.”
[The entire scene is suddenly cast in shadow. Dr. Carter looks up. The bear's final push is at hand. Their entire army has formed into a mountain of bears which dwarfs even Mount Everest. Atop the writhing mass is Mount Rushmore. Every president’s face having morphed into a different kind of bear.]
Dr. Carter: ”[Barely above a whisper] By god.”
UNKNOWN: “ABOUT TIME YOU CUNTS CALLED ME.”
[The clouds part and a beam of light shines through the heavens, Evaporating many of the bears. A figure wreathed in fire descends. Scantily clad angels wielding anti-tank rifles sing out a chorus of heavenly song as music begins to play
Jesus Motherfucking Christ: “[Cracks knuckles and draws twin AK-47s] LET’S START THIS SHITSTORM.”
[The entire sky is lit up in a blinding flash of muzzle fire and quickly darkens with the rain of bullets.]
[The ground is colored red with blood and bear meat]
Jesus Motherfucking Christ: “[Scans the carnage] Welp, I ain't cleaning this crap up. Have fun bumble fucks [turns to leave].”
Dr. Carter: “Wait, Mr. Christ.”
Jesus Motherfucking Christ: “Da fuck is it kid? Make it quick, I gotta be knee deep in Joan of Ark’s pussy five minutes ago.”
Dr. Carter: “W-Well sir, I have a simple request. [holds up the corpse of Bearington] This man saved my life, he is a hero and deserves -.”
Jesus Motherfucking Christ: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you’re saying.”
[Jesus Motherfucking Christ takes General Bearington, injects him with a needle full of heroin, and embraces him. Both figures glow for a few seconds as holy choir music begins to play in the background. Bearington's eyes flutter open.]
Dr. Carter: “B-Buddy?”
[Bearington’s eyes stay fixed on Dr. Carter, a look of slight remorse on his face]
Dr. Carter: “Buddy!”
[Scene abruptly cuts to black. A squelching noise is heard. Cut to Dr. Carter’s horrified face. Cut again to the feet of the embracing Jesus and Bearinton. A single chunk of neck meat drops to the ground. Cut to Bearington’s face, dripping with blood and tears. The back of Jesus’s head begins to grow hairier. Cut to the head of a former president piled on top of a heap of bear corpses. He slowly chuckles as the heavenly choir of above beings to deepen. His laughter is quickly drowned out as the angelic symphony becomes an ear shattering chorus of roars.