Post-Incident Interview, ██-██-████
Interviewer: Post-Decom interview #████, commencing. Interviewer, Dr. [DATA EXPUNGED]; interviewee, Agent Apocalemur. You were assigned to decommission SCP-269, correct?
Apocalemur: That’s right.
Interviewer: Do you know why you were chosen, specifically?
Apocalemur: Well, the official version is that it was because I’m a biologist and could be counted on to minimize collateral damage.
Interviewer: And the unofficial version?
Apocalemur: The unofficial version is that Able said it was “a waste of his considerable talents to go moose hunting,” and everyone else had prior commitments, so I was the only one available and willing to do it.
Surveillance Log # [DATA EXPUNGED]
Apocalemur: I assume you’ve received my proposal?
O5-█: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Apocalemur: I assure you, I have a purpose in mind for everything on that list.
O5-█: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Apocalemur: Nobody here has seen fit to approve me for basic firearms training. Putting a gun in my hands would likely do more harm that good.
O5-█: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Apocalemur: Yeah, well, that’s because somebody decided to let Kondraki handle that one. I intend to at least maintain some semblance of sanity around here.
Interviewer: So what was your first move?
Apocalemur: The moose-man was last seen in Portland, so I began my search there.
Interviewer: And how did you intend to find it?
Apocalemur: It wasn’t hard. The locals were as unwilling to talk as everyone else, but the trail of destruction led southwest out of town. A cursory look at a map of Oregon should tell you where it went.
Interviewer: And where was that?
Apocalemur: ███████. Where better to hide a twelve-foot-tall bipedal moose than a 630,000-acre national forest?
Footage from motion-capture camera 269-B
8:17:20 am – Camera goes online. Motion capture camera 269-A is visible in the distance.
8:35:25 am – Unidentified persons, both female, enter frame on horseback.
8:45:47 am – Same unidentified persons enter frame, traveling rapidly in the opposite direction.
8:46:03 am – SCP-269 enters frame, apparently pursuing unknown persons.
8:50:00 am – Western grey squirrel passes by cameras, shows no interest.
8:51:01 am – A plume of smoke is seen to come from camera 269-A.
Interviewer: You say the motion sensitive cameras were destroyed?
Apocalemur: All except Camera B, which I took the most trouble to hide.
Interviewer: And what was your reaction?
Apocalemur: At the time, nothing. I was watching live feed from the camera at the time, and didn’t notice that the other four had stopped recording. All I cared about at the time was that I had an idea where the moose-man was, and that I had to act fast.
Footage from HelmetCam-269, mounted on Agent Apocalemur’s head.
(Footage is shaking. Agent Apocalemur appears to be running.)
Agent Apocalemur’s voice: Documentation of the decommissioning of SCP-269, █████████ ██, 20██, Agent Apocalemur recording.
(Agent Apocalemur arrives at camera 269-B.)
Apocalemur: This is where it was about fifteen minutes ago.
(Camera pans to the forest)
Apocalemur: If it was chasing those riders, it would’ve stayed on the trail.
(Four dead bodies, two humans and two horses, are seen on the trail.)
Apocalemur: …Well shit.
(Camera focuses on a footprint near one of the bodies)
Interviewer: A bear track?
Apocalemur: That’s what I said.
Interviewer: And you don’t think they were attacked by a bear?
Apocalemur: No. The injuries on their bodies didn’t look anything like a bear attack.
Interviewer: If I may ask, how do you know what a bear attack looks like?
Apocalemur: I’m a biologist. Also, I knew it hadn’t been a bear attack because SCP-269 attacked me immediately after.
(Agent Apocalemur has climbed a large tree. SCP-269 attempts to strike him with its front hooves.)
Apocalemur: Let’s see how you like this.
(A long, black tube is brought into view. Apocalemur prods SCP-269 in the shoulder with the tube. SCP-269 flinches, then grabs the tube in its mouth and tosses it aside.)
Apocalemur: Jackpot. Now let’s try this on for size.
(A long metal pole with a hook on the end is brought into frame. The camera pans to the right, focusing on a large hornet nest. The nest is picked up with the hook and thrown onto SCP-269’s antler. SCP-269 runs off, trying to fend off the hornets.)
Interviewer: Why use hornets?
Apocalemur: Are you kidding? After what that thing did to the microchip implanter, I wasn’t about to let it destroy my best snake stick.
Interviewer: I see. So, why did you choose to implant a tracking chip and then drive it off?
Apocalemur: That thing managed to destroy several fairly large cities without taking any apparent damage to itself. In order for me to kill it, I’d have to get up close to it, and the only time I’d be able to do that safely was when it was asleep.
Interviewer: And in order to know when and where it was sleeping…
Apocalemur: Exactly. I needed to be able to track it.
(The forest appears much darker. Agent Apocalemur is holding a radio tracker.)
Apocalemur: It’s close.
(The sound of gunfire is heard)
Apocalemur: The hell?
Distant voice: (unintelligible)…Foundation…(unintelligible)
(Agent Apocalemur ducks behind a tree. The camera pans down to look at his body.)
Apocalemur: All right guys, it’s time. Camouflage mode.
(SCP-408 is seen emerging from the forest and settling on Agent Apocalemur, who appears to vanish.)
Distant voice: (unintelligible)…wake it up…
Interviewer: And you think they were shooting at you?
Apocalemur: That’s when all the pieces of the mystery suddenly fell into place. The cover-ups, the destroyed cameras, even the containment breach in Vancouver. That was no accident. They were testing it.
Apocalemur: After it destroyed a city, they removed forensic evidence and mind-wiped the survivors to keep them from talking, to keep us from picking up the trail. Now who do we know that would use a dangerous SCP for wanton devastation, and try to keep the Foundation out of their business at all costs?
Interviewer: The Chaos Insurgency!
(Agent Apocalemur approaches SCP-269, which appears to be asleep.)
Apocalemur: All right, moose-man. This won’t hurt a bit. Just a little jab into your nasal cavity, and…
(a loud whistle is heard. SCP-269 immediately sits up.)
(SCP-269 rips a nearby tree out of the ground and throws it aside.)
Apocalemur: Okay, change of plans. If I can get…
(The camera suddenly pans up. A sapling is seen flying towards Agent Apocalemur.)
(The tree impacts the camera. The camera is dislodged and lands with the lens buried in leaf litter.)
Apocalemur: Ow! God! Ow!
(Individual sounds become difficult to distinguish. Agent Apocalemur is heard to shout. SCP-269 is heard bellowing.)
Interviewer: So what happened?
Apocalemur: My guess is they saw the tree bounce off of my head and decided to have 269 trample me. It probably would’ve worked if it had been able to see me.
Interviewer: What did you do?
Apocalemur: I dropped low and shot it full of pancuronium bromide. I chased it into the forest until it dropped, then gave it another shot in the elbow to be sure it died. Between the two doses, I pumped that thing full of enough of the stuff to kill an elephant. After that, I had 408 make an illusion of me to distract the Chaos Insurgency so I could escape.
Interviewer: You didn’t try to stop them?
Apocalemur: I was outnumbered and outgunned. The only reason they hadn’t killed me already was those butterflies. Besides, they can’t use SCP-269 anymore, so I’d count it as a success.
Interviewer: One final question. On the last few minutes of audio, SCP-269 sounded like it had been rather badly wounded. Are you sure all you did was inject it?
Apocalemur: Ah, well, that probably had more to do with where I stuck it the first time than anything else.
Interviewer: You mean…
Apocalemur: Yes. In the moose knuckles.
Interviewer: …Did you deliberately choose that spot just so you could make that pun in the interview?