in the shape
Threat ID: KTE-8544-Porcelain "Butt Gh
Authorized Response Level: 7 (Apocaly
Description: Type-Z8 poltergeist inh
capable of travel by inhabiting hu
subdued temporarily by defec
taken to avoid falling
Wiping is t
I know the thaumaturgists already told us that it wouldn't be susceptible to targeted metaexposure, but I still maintain that it was worth a shot. I didn't even need to use the whole page.- Researcher James, age 8.
00:00: Test commences. Subject instructed to initiate stated protocols.
00:14: Subject reports gastrointestinal distress. KTE-8544-Porcelain produces characteristic vocalization.
00:23: KTE-8544-Porcelain attempts to replicate via subject's posterior, but is hindered by testing protocols.
03:19: Subject ceases testing protocols. KTE-8544-Porcelain observed to be subdued, but active. Subject instructed to remain on toilet in case protocols must be resumed.
03:41: <CLASSIFIED> due to subject's unusually small frame and an oversight in toilet selection.
I would have sworn that those cafeteria burritos would do the trick. Here's hoping they can get the guy a new butt.- Researcher James.
Researcher James was instructed to interview KTE-8544-Porcelain to ascertain information that could assist in the entity's liquidation.
Researcher James is seen pacing the restroom. Camera focused on KTE-8544-Porcelain shows the entity in its toilet. Scene is dramatic.
Researcher James: So. KTE eight five four four porcelain. If that is your real name. Who are you?
KTE-8544-Porcelain: i am the butt ghost!!
RJ: And why should I believe you? <Slams his hands on the toilet seat and presumably glares at the butt ghost in a threatening manner.>
BG: im going to eat your butt
RJ: How bizarre. <Stands up from the toilet seat and accesses a plastic baggie of Goldfish crackers.> Why do you eat our butts, butt ghost? Butts do not equal love, you know.
BG: ffft fart poot poop phbbbt
RJ: <Chews on Goldfish crackers like a hard-boiled detective would chew on a cigar.> Fascinating, truly fascinating. You know, despite your rather… prolific history of gluteocidal self-replication, you seem to be a solitary creature. Mind telling me why?
BG: <makes more hilarius farting noises>
RJ: But of course. It would only make sense, with you being a butt ghost. One last thing: <Looks the butt ghost dead in the eye with a chilling stare.> Wiping. Why does it get rid of you? Where are the hostages?
BG: <tries to eat jameses butt, butt he cant becus hes in the toilet and james isnt> im a butt ghost
RJ: <Attempts to snap his fingers, but he hasn't quite gotten that down yet.> It all makes sense now! What else could the moral of the story be? I've got all I need to go to the presses with this!
Closing statement: Researcher James was grounded for unrelated reasons after the conclusion of this interview.
He knows he's only allowed one snack in the afternoon. And by the way, we don't have to make him a Researcher just because only he can talk to it.- Researcher James's Dad
Test ID: 8544-Porcelain-Gimmel-83
Description: At the recommendation of Sanderson Consulting Partners, a task force was formed to use victims of KTE-2985-Silver to destroy the butt ghost. Four infectees were brought to the toilet containing the entity. The entity was destroyed by repeated exposure to emissions of the infectees.
Question: Is there any reason we couldn't have just used normal lasers?- Researcher James's Dad
Yes. The reason is because butts.- Researcher James