The Cheese is a Lie
rating: +15+x

The two doctors ran around their experiment, taking close note of every detail. One was was writing frantically on his clipboard while the other was watching everything with a look of fierce determination on his face. Finally when it seemed like everything had calmed down the one who had been writing looked up at the other and shook his head.

“It’s happened again hasn’t it? I could tell from over here.”

“We’ve got to have done something wrong. We’ve been doing this forever. It’s the same damn thing over and over again.”

“I know. What the hell does this mean? We can’t have just been doing everything wrong. I mean… what haven’t we changed while working on this project?”

“I quit. Honestly working here is so stressful. I don’t do anything important and I still manage to mess this up. I’m moving to a different project. I mean it!”

“Maybe you just need some outside eyes.” It was Doctor Stren. He walked in through the lab door with a confident gait and a knowing look in his eye. “Let me see your work. I’m sure I can figure it out.”

“Listen, here’s the test file, it’s got all of our notes and calculations and data in it. That’s two months of wild guesses, experiments gone wrong and just stress in general. If you figure this shit out I’ll be the most grateful man on earth.”

Dr. Stren confidently strode over and grabbed the clipboard with such an air of confidence and knowledge that no one could doubt. He had a Success rate unlike anyone else. He carefully read every line of the procedure that the two obviously inferior scientists had written, and nodded knowingly to himself. He then looked through the painstaking calculations and theories and carefully examined the past two months of failures and ideas that went nowhere. The more he read the more confident his smile became. He handed back the clipboard and confidently cleared his throat.

“Yeah I’m stumped.”


“Doctor Cliff, we’ve just found a document claiming, well, you’d better take a look at it yourself.”

Cliff walked over to the puzzled assistant. He had noticed her staring at her screen with a focused and yet confused look on her face for the last few minutes and was waiting for some kind of question.

“What is it? I’m kinda busy right now and I can’t solve every problem you know.”

Doctor Cliff was glad to notice that he still had an intimidating affect on her even three years into their work together. He liked having a sense of control over his underlings.

“Well… I mean you can see what he’s saying right? I mean the guys obviously gone mad… the problem is that, well…” the assistant trailed off mid sentence nervous at the claim she was about to make.

“Well what?” Snapped the doctor.

“He doesn’t seem to be wrong.”

“‘Cheese is a lie?’ That’s what seems to be correct?”

“Er… yes? Look at all that research! I’ve looked through a lot of it and it’s thorough. I even checked this dudes credentials and he’s worked at Cradle Labs for 7 years until he was fired for… this.”

“It’s nonsense. Pay attention to something other than this, it’s a waste of Foundation time.”

“No really, his research checks out. Cheese doesn’t exist. I’ll send you his work but we need to shut down his website before it goes viral.”

“Alright, just do it quickly and don’t take any drastic measures before I give you my opinion.”


Daragh cliff waited patiently outside the door of the house whose bell he’d rung five times now. There was motion behind the door and he’d seen curtains flutter so he kept waiting. Finally as he was about to give up and resort to less polite measures the door flew open and a disheveled looking man, once known as Doctor Stren, peered outward.

“What do you want? Can’t you see I’m busy here?”

Indeed the man looked like he had seen little sleep, and was wearing a lab coat with plenty of holes and stains. Cliff looked the man over quickly before opening his mouth to speak.

“I’m here about the cheese.”


The foundation was in a frenzy, many doctors were in a state of confusion and the others were simply wondering if they were going to wake up from this twisted dream. Doctor Clef had donned a mask made of cheese and started calling himself ‘The Great loaf of Milk’ while Doctors Stren and Cliff had moved into the same laboratory and were now frantically working out new ideas now involving dangerous SCPs.

Everyone had the same thought in their heads, “Cheese? Cheese doesn’t exist? I had some just this week! Humans have been making it for centuries!”

But it was true. Cheese didn’t exist, or it wasn’t possible at least. The Foundation had run their own tests many times and it was definite: cheese couldn’t be real.

None of this changed the fact that cheese did exist and was quite real. So doctors frantically wrote procedures on how to properly neutralize cheese. Theories on the sentience and power of cheese were common amount the many erratic doctors that the foundation employed. Attacks on innocent lunches were becoming common occurrences across Foundation sites. All outside cheese research was being stalled or stopped completely. It had been a long day for O5-3.

O5-3 sighed intently. How was it that something like cheese was anomalous? She almost worshipped cheese she loved it so bad. Why couldn’t she catch a break? I mean she loved cheese and now it was close to 682 on the ‘Things the Foundation hates’ scale.

Her thought was broken by another message popping up on her screen, “Cornell is conducting a cheese related experiment involving mice in mazes”.

She sighed again, best to shut it down just in case. They couldn’t have any accidents she thought as she stared around at her cheese adorned room. An information breach was the last thing she wanted to deal with right now. She opened her drawer and took out her lunch; She needed something to eat right now. She briefly wondered what she was eating as she took a bite out of her now cold grilled cheese sandwich.

She shouldnt eat this. I mean it couldn’t be healthy right? It supposedly wasnt real. She sighed and took another bite. She didn’t really care at this point. She loved cheese, she ate it with almost everything. It had become an obsession for her in fact. But now… now it didn’t have the same appeal.

She sighed and pulled out her small handgun she kept in a side drawer. Cheese had been her whole life before this. She couldn’t marry, or wouldn’t, because of her job, but she had always had cheese. She had started cheese collections at home; it was the one thing she had been passionate about. In fact her last gift from her dying father was cheese. She had collected many fine cheeses and tried every flavor imaginable to man but… that wasn’t real anymore. Her whole life, her passion and love, was a false dream. The one thing that always stood by her, always stayed the same, had been a falsehood.

“The cheese was all just a lie.”

Her assistant heard a gunshot.

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