The Completely Canonical Story of James, Age 8
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Hello. My name is James. You may know me from my appearance in various child-themed -Js. I'm here now to tell you the awful truth of the origin of these sources of hilarity. Though they may seem sweet and innocent, behind them lies a sinister plot.

I began my work at the Foundation not too long ago. I was about 21 at the time, not 8 as the misleading documents suggest. I was hired on as a junior researcher, writing those descriptions you read in various SCP articles. I was quite the prodigy of my time, and received a somewhat joking "Rookie of the Year" award at my site. I was on a roll.

It was then that a certain Research Assistant Corbette approached me. "I need you to help me with an experiment," he said, "Follow me to this cell." Being the trusting fellow I am, I followed Corbette to the cell. He had an odd look on his face, one that I now understand. It was a slight smirk compounded with sunken eyebrows. Malicious, mischievous, evil.

I walked into the cell and he immediately closed it. "No use screaming," his voice said over a microphone, "No one will hear you." I didn't even try. I've seen men be slowly torn apart by monstrous lizards in these cells and never heard a peep. I instead sat and waited in the corner. Surely someone could come save me. But nobody has.

He began feeding me food laced with… something. It must have been an SCP of some sort. I began to become younger. My clothes became too big. My baby fat began to appear again. And then after 2 weeks I was 8 years old again. That's when he put in a typewriter and paper and pencil crayons and said, "If you write me an article I'll give you food."

So I did. It was a smash hit, as he told me, everyone loved it. Everyone except me. I harbored a deep hatred behind those bright, childish eyes.

I think my time has come now, though. I'm ready to escape this chamber. I've found a way out. As a full grown man I could never escape, but as a child I can just fit through a hidden hole.

I'm ready to break free and tell Command about this horrible, horrible man and the shit he's put me through.

APRIL FOOLS!

I'm actually a rhinoceros

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