Name: Wilhelm Grungkok
Level: Although Wilhelm's security clearance level is the closest you get to having to walk around with one's eyes closed and ears covered while shouting "I'M NOT LISTENING" loudly to oneself, somehow he still seems to know more than someone of his rank should. This could be attributed to his skill at cleaning researchers desks without messing up their large stack of papers and organization system. This gift at putting everything back into its exact place, neatly, has gained him some renown and thus many scientists ask him to do this task frequently, when their offices are a mess, which ends in leaving him alone for long amounts of time after hours with sensitive documents. He also seems to be a master at "dusting" video cassettes, "fixing" the woodwork on table legs (yes, I mean he's hiding under the table when we discuss containment produces) and "oiling" hinges on doors to rooms where overseers are sitting down and speaking of important manners (regardless of the fact that since the recent grant, most doors are computer operated and slide open - he seems to believe that anything mechanical could use a good oiling, even if it is hydraulic press operated)
Note: Hey, give the guy a break. He's housed in a ward that doesn't allow television because of the proximity to that one SCP that manipulates information waves. He's got to get entertainment somehow.
Location: Wherever the nearest vomit pile is.
Biography: This is the guy who cleans up 682's pen on a daily basis. What other peoples' punishment is, that's his day job. Can you believe it? Oh, now that I remember, Wilhelm actually wanted me to attach a note of that very subject.
Note from the Janitor: Will you Doctors stop sending people who piss you off or the newlings to that damn alligator's cage. I don't mind a couple, because I can use them as a distraction, and when the monster comes at me, just throw them in the way as bait, but on the other hand when there're too many of them they block the exit in their clamour to escape. They all run like girls to the door, when I'm trying to get out! Are you trying to kill me?
SCPs the Janitor has cleaned up after.
SCP-342 (There was nothing to tidy at all. All I did was pretty much dust the filing cabinet! I felt like a French maid with a feather duster. Where's the vomit!)
SCP-349 (I actually got to cut the grass and pull the moss off some of the tombstones!)
SCP-415 (Finally! I must be working my way up or something. This guy's got tons of fluids and gore! I even got to mop up a blood pool!)
SCP-597 (I don't know why everyone is so damn afraid of this thing; sure it messes with your mind but it's just a giant boob! Release a swarm of teething babies on it! That will show it! Heck, Baba Yaga is keep in the same site, why don't they just grab the bag of infants they drag down to her cell and throw them in The Mother's. Chuck a couple sacks of those whiny little things and The Mother will be done with in a couple days. Ask any parent; it hurts! Maybe we can even give some babies to The Improver; they might end up with razor sharp gumlines. The ultimate weapon!)
Note: Approval and consideration of The Janitor's idea of a task force consisting of modified babies with razor sharp gumlines for the purpose of guarding 597 is pending.
There's a difference between maintenance person and errand boy; stories and incidents that have caused the copy machine to run out of paper: (it's not my job to get more dammit.)
The Complex Books of Flesh, At The Corner of His Desk; the Foundation's Opinion on Mass Orgies, Sleeping Through The Apocalypse
The contents of a wastebasket The Janitor has dumped out: (in crumpled ball form) Concepts and Rough Drafts
Interview with the Janitor:
Personnel Manager: So… why are you so obsessed with becoming employee of the month?
Janitor: I damn well deserve it! But I'll accept it… I'm just going to have to keep trying, harder… even though I put my life and soul into this place.
Personnel Manager: Well, ah, actually we just give it to the janitor who survives the longest. It's a tradition.
Janitor: So that's why that old fart Arthur Stroduhelm has been on that god damn winning streak? Look, if you do it like that… well the idea of employee of the month and the longest surviving worker are direct opposites then. The longest living guy is a coward! Do you know why Arthur lived so long? Modified broomstick! It's got to be at least 15 feet long. And he just sticks it in between the bars of the cage, unlike me, who is just a extremely fast mopper, which is something that actually deserves commendation!
Personnel Manager: Ah…yes… you are a quick mopper.
Janitor: And have you seen his cleaning squirt bottles. I swear he's switched with some kind of flamethrower. The spray can shoot across entire rooms. Humph. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to wait until that ancient idiot dies.
Personnel Manager: Um…
Personnel Manager: Well actually, the employee of the month gets to clean around the life extending SCPs…as a sort of reward. Like job health benefits. So, he's going to be around for a while.
Janitor: God damn it!