“Hello, could you please tell me where the Site Director’s office is?” asked Junior Researcher Takeru Toshida from two men dressed as Greek hoplites. He was familiar with the protocols that were in effect in Provisional Containment Zone Delta-3, but he was taken aback by the quality of the costumes. “I’m new he… What happened to your arm?!”
“This guy happened to stare right into the eyes of Medusa,” said Agent Wilkins, revealing his comrade’s left arm that was yet to recover from being turned into stone. “We got these for a reason,” he added, pointing to his mirrored shield.
“Well, pardon me for not having a PhD in ancient mythology,” said Agent Robertson. “In my defence, I was transferred to the Greco-Roman team only because Todd was bitten in the arse by last Monday’s chimera.”
“Sorry for teasing you, rookie. Fortunately, we triumphed even without your help,” said Wilkins cheerfully as he cleaned up the slain monster’s blood from his spear.
“Looks like one hell of a job you have here,” said Takeru, reconsidering his career plans.
“It’s not as dangerous as it seems,” said Wilkins. “I mean, when we first discovered this skip, it rampaged nearby towns regularly and took out Agents like there was no tomorrow. Still, we had no casualties since poor Vladislav last year.”
“What happened to him?” asked Takeru.
“Oh, I remember that one,” said Robertson. “The battle wasn’t going exactly by the book, and then Vlad got the idea to bring a machine gun.”
“The Procedures clearly say that only period-accurate weaponry can be used. He can’t blame anyone else for getting burned alive by the dragon. It spared all defeated Agents who played by rules,” said Wilkins as life returned to all of Robertson’s fingers. “I’m starting to believe that it killed all those civilians just to make a righteous hero to come and save the day. Now it enjoys all these historical battles we are staging to the fullest. That’s why it appears more and more often and even developed new forms when the original Oni-dragon duo got boring.”
“Aren’t there any way to kill it to death so it will die for real?” wondered Takeru.
“I doubt that’s possible. It does not seem to be your average monster. I’d rather call it an embodiment of a concept. Like the playful little sister of that damned lizard. You can’t kill a concept with weapons. But you can find out its rules and learn to live together with it. That’s how we contain SCP-2301.”
Three months later
Takeru Toshida was staring out the window of his tiny office when the alarm went off. He sprang off his chair and ran outside to witness the battle that was about to unfold. A Banzai-type Manifestation Event was something he always looked forward.
He knew that joining the Foundation and getting assigned to this Site was probably the most badass job one could get with a master’s degree in history (if we rule out being Indiana Jones as too unrealistic). Still, he was rather bored. They were out in the boonies. To make it even worse, that cursed Director confiscated and transported off-site all fiction books and movies from the Containment Zone (including his treasured manga and anime collection) to see if it keeps SCP-2301 from getting any new ideas. Since then, his sole source of entertainment was watching the battles from a safe distance.
Takeru has never seen this form of SCP-2301 before. It manifested as a Japanese schoolgirl wielding an oversized glowing sword. She was wearing her crimson hair in twin tails. Five Agents looked at her from a distance, contemplating their cunning plans.
Agent Wong tried to take out SCP-2301 using Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki, the ultimate technique of the Hiten-Mitsurugi style. He wisely decided to shout the name of the attack right before starting it to boost its power, but ended up missing with it since he focused on the correct pronunciation instead of the move itself. She gave him a contemptuous look and swept him away with a single blow. “Why didn’t I try Shinobazuhō Ikasazukorosazu instead?” he asked himself before passing out.
Agents Alvaro and Martinez stepped forward shouting “Wasshoi,” and bowed to their opponent. SCP-2301 seemed to appreciate their attempt at proper etiquette. Alvaro tried to land a hit using the Scattered Flash Slash technique while Martinez distracted the girl with Serious Consecutive Side Hops.
The onlookers were amazed by the spectacular display of speed, as the Agents moved quickly enough to leave multiple indistinguishable afterimages. Of course that was impossible in the framework of normalcy, but SCP-2301 had a habit of lending a fraction of its reality bending capabilities to its opponents, possibly for the sole purpose of seeking sheer awesomeness.
However quickly the attackers circled around SCP-2301, it took her a total of two kicks to get rid them. “You know these moves are from a parody series, right?” she said and stuck her tongue out. “Idiots,” she added and covered her face by her palm.
The two remaining Agents opted for a tactical retreat, arguing whether they should use the Escher Topology Attack or the Seven-Plus-Two Strong Super Suction Saver. The spectators exchanged tense looks. At that time Takeru has already realized what went wrong. If you want to defeat SCP-2301 in a battle, it is of no importance how precise you moves are or how many the times they folded the steel of your katana. It could kill us all if it wanted any time. To keep it occupied, we must offer quality entertainment. Takeru confidently approached the prideful girl. He had no martial arts skills or combat training. But he had the heart of a true warrior.
It wasn’t his job, but he decided to take SCP-2301 head on anyway. He took up the stance he remembered so vividly from his childhood. He put his hands together, forming a cup with them. Am I really doing this? he hesitated for a second. Then he mustered up the courage to continue. “KAAAA,” he yelled. The onlookers started wondering who he was and what he was doing. SCP-2301 raised an eyebrow curiously.
“MEEEE,” he continued. He suddenly noticed a sensation he never felt before in his body. A fireball slowly formed in his hands. So she is going along with my plan! he thought. A few seconds later he shot a beam of pure energy to SCP-2301, bathing the battlefield in octarine light. The name of the first king of Hawaii echoed across the valley.
He could get a glimpse of the girl as she was being annihilated by the attack. “Please come to play with me again, Onii-chan,” she said before disappearing in the beam. “Don’t get the wrong idea; it’s not that I like you or anything,” continued a high-pitched voice in Takeru’s mind. “Stupid!”