☦A story about a plunger.☦
The D-Class assigned for the application of the SCP-████ serum onto the mundane object entered the room tenuously. He was outfitted with gloves coated with a special fiber that neutralized the effects of the SCP for the purpose of testing. He slathered the anomalous ointment on the shaft of the plunger and then left the room. Shortly afterwards Dr. Mayreder and Researcher Sanders enter. Researcher Sanders is carrying a notepad, Dr. Mayreder is standing close by observing the plunger indifferently.
Addendum: Blind Testing of SCP-████ "Sal's Miracle Ointment" on a common household plunger.
Researcher Sanders: I mean… just look at it, man. You're right, it does look like a regular one but have you seen one that's… how do I even explain this to you… one that's… I mean, like you know how you can hate someone before you know them and you don't know why? Well, I mean it's like the opposite, I just love this thing so much, probably because it's so… it's probably awesome… fuck it, man, I just know it's probably the best plunger. Bet it unclogs better than anything. I want that plunger so bad.
Dr. Mayreder: I can't say I've see one better. I mean there are plungers made with better materials and standards, but… you know what it is? You know how you can like an old bike just because it runs in a particular way, and for some reason it just feels so much faster? I mean I think it's just the SCP-████ but, I mean I can understand why this thing is so great now, I can even write it down and prove it, that old plunger is actually way better than any new ones made, I can bet on it.
Agent Breen: Observing from security cameras. I'm gonna have to tell you guys that's just an ordinary plunger.
Researcher Sanders: Yeah, you're probably saying that because you want it.
Dr. Mayreder: We should catalogue that effect. "Causes observers to develop a compulsion to covet the object".
Researcher Sanders: You should work on your tone but I agree with you there. Breen's probably waiting on one of us to leave the room so he can take it.
Agent Breen: No, really, gentlepeople, the perception is just an effect of SCP-████.
Researcher Sanders can be seen looking to Dr. Mayreder and then at the plunger before the security cameras go out.
Final audio from testing chamber recorded.
Dr. Mayreder: We have to do something about Breen.
Researcher Sanders: Sure thing boss. Just don't try anything funny.
Researcher Sanders, plunger in hand, stole out of the testing chamber like a mouse, Dr. Mayreder following closely behind in a hurried skitter. They knew that Breen would be a problem soon if they didn't do something about him, so they rushed to the adjacent door that led into the observation room. "Wait for my signal." Dr. Mayreder told Sanders as he punched a few numbers into the keypad. Sanders stood with her back to the wall, the plunger clasped like a baby in her arms. She nodded furtively, a look of determination on her face.
Dr. Mayreder can be seen walking into the viewing chamber. Agent Breen is working with the AV equipment.
Dr. Mayreder: Hello.
Agent Breen: You're gonna want to hand over the plunger, Doc.
Dr. Mayreder: I don't have it. Sanders ran off with it while I wasn't looking, probably going to put it back in the locker.
Agent Breen: I'm going to flip the alarm. That's a security breach.
Dr. Mayreder: It's just a plunger, there's no need for that. Sanders will come around eventually. There's nothing to be worried about.
Agent Breen can be seen walking toward the alarm panel.
Agent Breen: Protocol is protocol, Doc.
Dr. Mayreder coughs loudly.
The door to the viewing chamber is tackled open. Researcher Sanders enters the room with the plunger and attempts to jab Agent Breen in the eye with the blunt end. The plunger connects with the agent's forehead and Agent Breen is knocked back against the wall. He collapses and appears to be knocked unconscious.
Researcher Sanders: I knew this thing was great. I knew it knew it knew it.
Dr. Mayreder: That was impressive.
Dr. Mayreder grabbed Breen by both feet and dragged him out of the chamber and into a janitorial closet. After he was finished positioning Breen in such a way that would suggest that he was sleeping, he looked to Sanders to give her further direction. She appeared to be hyperventilating from the excitement.
The plunger now shown like divine light in Dr. Mayreder's eyes, and… Sanders looked, slightly different, he couldn't quite place it. The usually plain and subservient Sanders now just seemed so… exquisite. Where had he seen this image before? This must be what good souls first see after they die thought Mayreder. His eyes became slightly wet.
"What should we do now? We're in trouble, I know it. There are security cameras everywhere, there's no way we're gonna get out of this without consequences! How are we going to keep the plunger sa-" Sanders said, tapering off in a high-pitched shrill. Mayreder put his hand to Sanders' mouth.
"… follow me." he said to Sanders and the cherubim.
Excerpt from Audio Log of Security Team Sigma-6 0139: Three members of security team Sigma-6 were immediately dispatched to the testing wing equipped with tranquilizers after the security cameras in the testing cell failed. Beginning of Audio Recording
00:03 Found one of the perps in a janitors closet. I'd say he dozed off but there's some bruising on his head.
00:34 The wing seems clear, can't see anyone. Checked all exits save for one. Moving to intercept now.
00:59 Some blood on the floor leading toward the partition between levels 5b and 5a, floor looks fine otherwise.
01:20 We can make out two individuals on the elevator leading up toward level 5a. Sending members of Delta to intercept its arrival. Shouldn't be any more than a 10 second delay between the time the door opens and the time Delta gets there.
01:24 We're gonna hold our position on this floor… for as long as need be.
01:30 The air smells fantastic.
"I forgive you! Who wouldn't be nervous holding such a relic? I promise I mean no harm, really! I just want to help out!" Dr. Mayreder spat, leaning back on the elevator and wiping blood from his nose. Sanders had punched him square in the face when he was ushering her into the elevator.
"You just fucking do what I say you do, that's how this is going to work. That's how we're getting out. Keep your hands down, you… filthy snake bastard!" said Sanders, wide eyed, with a voice raised in a vitriolic whisper. She had a noticeable twitch now, checking her fingernails as she was talking, holding the plunger like it were a royal scepter.
"Of course! Anything you want! Anything!" You… divine creature.
A warbled alarm sounded through the doors as they cracked open.
"Follow me, but keep your distance." said Sanders, brushing Dr. Mayreder out of the way on exit. "Watch it, watch it." whispered Sanders to him, pointing the blunt end of the plunger at him while doing so.
Mayreder nearly wet himself when the scepter was pointed in his direction.
Object Class: Keter
Description: SCP-████ is a white salve contained within a glass jar, which reads "Uncle Sal's Miracle Ointment". When SCP-████ is applied to an object, any one individual observing said object will develop a gradual 'appreciation'. This 'appreciation' seems to begin with casual observations of said objects worth, usually followed by praise of the object, coveting of the object, worship of the object, and in certain instances the self-termination of the viewer. Reasoning for this action is often "I'm not worthy", "Who am I to look at that [object]", and "I don't deserve to exist in the same reality as [object]".
"There should be an evacuation chute down this hall, it'll take a retinal scan, fingerprint, my keycard, my security pin, a short dossier, and a security password so it's going to take some time." Mayreder's words worked their way out in a breathless volley as the two sprinted down the sterile, white corridor. The alarm continued it's loud, looping warble and the two could hear footsteps pattering down the hallway behind them.
"That's security!" said Dr. Mayreder.
"Security!" One of the members of Delta squad barked from around the corner of the hallway. "Stop right now!."
"It's mine!" screamed Sanders. "Mine!"
Black darts from the security team's guns flew by their heads as they rounded the corner. The chase continued on for almost a full minute before the two reached the chute.
"Do it! Do it!" Sanders said in the psychotic whispers, jabbing Dr. Mayreder in the back with the plunger.
"Careful where you point that thing!"
Mayreder finished the gauntlet of authentication protocols at the terminal in the space of a minute. The final protocol was a retinal scan. He had to fight himself to keep still, all the excitement was causing him to shake and he could hear Delta getting closer. For a few moments he heard nothing, and the sharp, wonderful jab of the plunger was wrested from his back. He pulled back from the device and the chute flung open, waiting for the two of them to jump in.
"Sanders! G-" he was interrupted by a steel baton to the face before he could finish.
Before everything went black he could see dancing plungers circling a scantily clad Sanders, who was being serenaded by golden trumpets.
Transcript 1A from containment cell 2305
Dr. Mayreder appears to regain consciousness.
Agent Breen: You son of a bitch look what you did!
Dr. Mayreder: What… where am I? Where is Sanders and the w-w-wonderful!?
Agent Breen: The fuck are you talking about?
Dr. Mayreder: We were about to escape and, I, well I guess we were apprehended! Where did they take her?
Agent Breen: How the fuck should I know you dumb fuck? If I wasn't tied down I'd give you the most severe ass-kicking you're moth-
Dr. Mayreder: Shut up! Where are we? This is a holding cell isn't it?!
Agent Breen: Wouldn't you fucking know that?
Dr. Mayreder: Well… we… I need to find out where Sanders is.
Agent Breen: Well you're shit out of luck there. We're about to get gassed. Thanks a lot you dumb fuck.
Dr. Mayreder: What!? No! Sanders help me!
Sanders woke up surrounded by an assortment of fruits, soft drinks, cheeses, and junk food that were retrieved from vending machines in the cafeteria. She was resting on a makeshift bed - 8 tables which were pulled together and littered with cushions from the couches. When she opened her eyes she found at least thirty half-naked site personnel looking back at her.
"The fucking fuck is this!" Sanders screeched, jumping to her feet and kicking the assorted alms off of the table. She immediately charged toward the group of people standing around one of the makeshift bed-throne’s edges. It seemed she was still holding the plunger, as she was now beating a few researchers on the head with it.
One unlucky man was victim of a facial plunging by Sanders. Up and down the plunger went on his face, as if to suck the disgusting imprudence out of him. Filthy fuck!
"Blessed! Richard is blessed, praises be to Richard!" chanted everyone in almost-unison.
"Bless him! Bless him who is plunged!" one junior researcher squeaked.
"The fuck is everyone on about?" said Sanders in a very much raised voice, righting herself, the plunged man taking a few gaping breaths as the scepter popped off of his face. "Someone tell me what the hell is going on!" Sanders looked down in her rage-confusion and realized that she was naked. She looked nice though, she thought. Damn nice. Supermodel even. That diet must have really worked.
"Oh, perfection, those clothes offended your skin." the junior researcher from before squeaked.
Sanders tilted her head at the girl and narrowed her brow. "Are you fucking dense? Tell me what the hell you're all doing! And look away! Look away, who do you think you are that you should look at my body and my magnificent rod?" Sanders bellowed. They all turned their backs to Sanders at the command, the young researcher scampering away to a corner. “Forgive me!” she squeaked.
Sanders heard a door to the cafeteria close behind her just as she was finished with her discipline.
"What the hell is going on in he-." the personnel director paused mid-sentence upon seeing Sanders. This was his first viewing, and seeing the reality of Sanders' body atop the table in bright fluorescent lighting did not tickle his sensibilities one bit.
Before he could get another word in a security guard tackled him to the wall. "Watch your mouth around the Sanders."
"What?" he croaked, the man’s beefy hand was pulling him up by the collar. The director could tell something obviously wasn't right here. His first thought was to pull the fire alarm, as he couldn't do much else. He edged a hand to the switch, pulled it down and in a few seconds an alarm sounded accompanied by a shower of reclaimed water.
"Now why'd you go an' do that!" the guard yelled.
“You all had best explain yourselves right now.” said the very angry director.
"Kill him! Kill that man! He wants my rod! I can see him looking at it! Wanting! End his jealous pitiful stupid little life!" Sanders decreed, standing atop the tables in the sprinkler shower.
The guard pulled out his gun and put it to the director’s head. "On your orders, our perfect."
He was interrupted by Sanders' scream and moans of disgust before he could pull the trigger.
Transcript 1B from containment cell 2305
Dr. Mayreder: Where's the gas?
Agent Breen: Some asshole must have pulled the fire alarm. Part of the lock-down protocol. Stuff stops.
Dr. Mayreder: Ah. Alright… got any ideas?
Agent Breen: You think we can escape? You think this is like a movie or something? No. See any doors? No. There's just us and those holes in the wall, and after the confusion is over those holes will start spilling gas into the room. This is the Foundation for fuck sake.
Dr. Mayreder: Ah… right. Are you still mad at me?
The miracle ointment didn’t seem to be invulnerable to a good rinse.
There was a lot of confusion in the cafeteria in the next few minutes and Sanders, dripping wet, looking like a drowned rat, took the opportunity to back into a corner and cover up her unmentionables with a folding chair. She was trying her hardest to keep from sobbing and draw attention to herself.
Everyone was staring at each other with stupid looks on their faces. One man half-pointed at her and then put his hand to his chin and looked to one of the researchers he was standing next to.
“Is she… wait, where did….” the Doctor stammered to the researcher.
“I’m… not sure.”
He looked down at the once 'royal scepter', still lying on the table amongst the assorted vending machine foods and said quietly to himself “I think… I’m going to leave now”. There was a worried look on his face. He looked down at his soaked underpants, which were covered by his lab coat, which was thrown over his shoulder like some sort of toga. “The… are… I don’t even…” He slowly started walking for the door. Everyone else followed suit, or at least tried to before being stopped by the director.
“NO ONE IS LEAVING UNTIL SOMEONE TELLS ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE.”
Addendum SCP-████ B3:
Note Decree from Personnel Director ████
Amnesiacs were rightly introduced into the ventilation of Site-18 after Incident 1.
Mayreder and Agent Breen were recovered unharmed from a termination cell commonly used for dangerous D-Class personnel at the end of their cycles. Guards who placed them there claimed it was an order from “the divine”. They have been forgiven.
I’m not entirely sure how this was allowed to happen, or how the situation escalated, as the entire Site’s video feeds were cut by those monitoring them “out of humility”. Those responsible for this have also been forgiven.
I took it upon myself to destroy the SCP responsible for turning Site-18 into a madhouse. It is gone now. Destroyed. Decommissioned. Dead. Et cetera.