Simon Glass was kicking himself for the decision the narrator had made. "Sending Clef and Dimitri on a fucking sabbatical?! What were they thinking!" His behavior produced several bizarre looks from the other researchers and SCPs who were currently Out of Character between readings. Lord Blackwood, his form alternating between a sea slug and a dapper British adventurer, shook his head at Glass and tsked. 682 leaned on the water cooler and raised several eyebrows at the ranting doctor, and Tristan Bailey simply rolled his eyes and tried to ignore Simon.
"I mean, for the love of crap, the tale isn't even that interesting! All they do is sit on the beach in Rio and drink fucking Mojitos! Does Rio de Janeiro even have beaches? Fuck it all!" In his anger, he accidentally ran into Dr. Thaddeus Xyank, making him late for his appearance in Incursion by about two sentences. "Oh. Um. Sorry, Thad."
"Let me guess: angry about the new Clef thing? Saw you were in it…" Xyank shook his head and sighed. "Just forget about it. It'll get downvoted to crap in an instant."
"That's not it, though! I hate Clef and Dmitri! They think that just because their authors are such big-shots, they get to do whatever they want in the stories with no consequences! For fucks sake, wasn't Clef being considered for SCP Classification at one point?"
Xyank crossed his arms and frowned. "Simon, what does that plaque over there say?" He indicated a brass plaque on the wall that bore the true motto of the Foundation.
Glass sighed, rubbing his arm. "There is no canon."
"Exactly. Now, if you'll excuse me, Piedmont is going to be pissed that I haven't shown up yet. Hope they can write around it!" With that, Xyank ran off to a door marked "Incursion", and ducked inside quickly. Simon shook his head and continued walking towards the cafeteria.
The cafeteria was actually part of the SCP Foundation sandbox site, where old, unpublished drafts and deleted sandboxes were reconstituted into food for the various characters to write. Sometimes, it even took on the appearance of places from the tales; today, it looked like the inside of Vladimir's from "Agricola in Insula est Poeta", despite the fact that it wouldn't be published for a few more years, but time had no meaning in the realm of fiction. Mary-Ann was sitting in the corner with a member of AWCY? that would appear in the story, going over their lines. Glass sat at the bar counter, and sighed. "I'll have a bottle of hard adjectives, please."
To Simon's surprise, Kondraki was behind the counter. "Hey."
Simon blinked owlishly. "Draki? The hell are you doing working cafeteria duty?"
Kondraki shrugged. "I've barely been used in tales in years, but administration still has to find something for me to do, just in case. I hear this lolFoundation canon may boost my popularity again… might be kinda fun, being a reality bender."
Simon asked curiously, "Weren't you in that Abridged thing with 239?" Kondraki scowled at him, and Glass put up his hands defensively. "All right, all right, I'm just saying that a lot of people liked that tale!"
"I don't like to talk about it," he muttered, pouring him a cherry-flavored adjective. "Here we go."
Simon took the adjective and sniffed at it, before taking a sip. "Mmmm… can I ask you a question, K?"
Kondraki nodded. "I suppose…"
"Do you actually hate Clef, or is that just a character trait of yours?"
"I don't like him, I'll say that much. For someone whose main character trait is that he hunts reality benders…"
Glass tapped his fingers on the bar, being silent for a few seconds. "I want him to die."
"I'm sure there's at least one tale out there where he does."
"No, I mean it. I want him and Strelnikov to croak. I want them to die in a tale, and then I want them to fall out of popularity so hard that they're never used again."
Kondraki frowned, and looked around; Mary-Ann and the AWCY member had left, and only a minor background character that was used in an exploration log of some kind remained. "Between you and me… I have a few plot devices I've been saving for a rainy day. A hijacking, an undercover GOC operative, a cameo appearance… if we can find the tale, we can lob a few in, see if that can kill them."
Simon grinned. "It's behind the door marked "Clef and Dmitri Hit the Road. Let's do it. Start with the hijacking!"
"Chechens. Fucking Chechens. The one time we try to put a hijacking plot device in, and it's a bunch of god-damn Chechens."
"Simon, I fail to see the problem-"
"Strelnikov only has three character traits: he's a badass, he's Russian, and he hates Chechnya! Gimme the GOC operative one."
"…I threw it in by mistake. It hit the steward that Clef tried seducing."
"…wait, isn't Clef repulsive to women?" Simon reached into his labcoat, and brought out Clef's personnel file. "Yeah, says right here, 'the individual has a slimy personality that causes all females within ██ ██████ to instinctively recoil in horror'. Nice continuity ya got there…"
"Simon, what does it say on that plaque?" Kondraki pointed onto the plaque across the hall from the doorway.
"It says 'The next person who asks Dr. Simon Glass what that plaque says is getting a brain cancer plot twist stuffed in his rectal cavity'." He dug into the bag of plot twists and brought out one marked "Redneck Attack", and threw it in the door, where narrative winds carried it to about the halfway point of the story.
"…well, at least we got some half-decent dialog out of Strelnikov from that." Kondraki rubbed his face and sighed. "Let's face it. They aren't going to die, not in this tale, at any rate. Maybe we'd have better luck over at Classical Revival?"
"NO!" Glass rummaged through the bag. "They have to die in this one! It has to make some kind of impact! It can't be like that tale with the super-long title where the sun goes out! Here!" He took up a plot device marked 'Random strippers pick up our heroes in a car' and frowned at it. "…why is this in your reserves, Draki?"
Kondraki frowned. "A man has to indulge himself sometimes, all right? Being a badass in hundreds of readings of Incident-239-B Clef/Kondraki every week gets exhausting. Just… don't throw it in-"
"Look out!" Able was thrown down the hallway by the Plague Doctor. The badass Gary Stu fell on top of Dr. Glass, causing him to drop the plot device into the open door. SCP-049 stood over Able and frowned. "I told you that you can't come in Club CB because you're not in Containment Breach. For the last damn time, Able, stay out." With that, 049 walked off back to Club CB, while Able walked off in the opposite direction, defeated.
Meanwhile, in Clef and Dimitri Hit the Road, Clef was asking how far away a strip club was. Out of spite, Glass threw in a "GOC Abduction" and a "Covert GOC Operative" plot device. He grinned as he saw Clef and Dimitri get drugged by blonde bimbos. "Konny?"
"I think we're done here."
The gossip spread like wildfire. Someone had interfered with Clef and Strelnikov's latest production. There was talk of the two stars being trapped in a GOC interrogation room, and the writers not knowing how to get them out of it. In his office, Simon Glass sat back in his chair and grinned like a Cheshire Cat.
Excellent. No more Clef, no more Strelnikov… no more nothing! He clapped his hands and giggled with glee. He was free of the two largest Mary Sues on the site! Now, maybe the fandom would progress past them and- what was this in his pocket?
Glass frowned, digging in the pocket of his labcoat. He pulled out a plot device labeled "Deus Ex Machina!". Glass instantly blanched, placing the thing on his desk and slowly backing away. A sudden appearance of a Deus Ex Machina was never a good thing. He had to get rid of it somehow…
He took off his coat, and placed the plot device inside of it as if it were simultaneously burning hot and freezing cold. He had to get it in the Sandbox before it did any damage…
He ran out of his office, and started down the corridor towards the sandbox. All he had to do was go through the Rat's Nest corridor, go through the Site-77 annex, maybe take a shortcut through his own personnel file, and above all, not drop the Deus Ex Machina. If he could take it to some poor newbie writer's sandbox, he would be fine…
"Coming through!" Announced Glass to a group of characters from Competitive Eschatology. "Deus Ex Machina, very dangerous!" The corridor suddenly thinned considerably as he ran past them, getting to the end of the general tales corridor now, and he soon would be in the Canon Annex-
Suddenly, a door opened in his face, shattering the plot device in his hand and giving Simon Glass a bloody nose. He groaned, looking up at the door that had opened in his face, wondering who the hell was coming out of it; the red "READING" light was on above it, so it had to be something relatively new-
The door read "Clef and Dimitri Hit the Road." Simon Glass turned pale, before a polite cough came from behind the door. He stood up, and looked at a ukelele that Dr. Clef was holding in front of him defensively. "Simon! W-we were just coming to find you… perhaps you could assist us in ending the tale? It got quite harried in there, you see; we nearly died."
Simon Glass's eye twitched slightly as Strelnikov joined Dr. Clef. "Da. We need to conclude the story. The three of us."
"T-Three…?" Asked Glass, shaking with both fear and anger; fear of Administration finding out what he had done, and anger at the fact it had been all for naught.
Clef pulled a dazed-looking Agent Yoric out of the door. "Um. Yes, you see, that GOC thing somehow led to Agent Yoric being captured, so we need to conclude the story, and you seemed to be the logical conclusion, you see. Um."
Dr. Simon Glass put on a plastered-on smile, dying inside with each word he spoke. "I would be happy to help my esteemed colleagues complete a tale… let me just… grab a script." He walked towards the nearest script dispenser, screaming internally the entire time. After several agonizing steps, he walked back to the door, and stepped in, not letting a single peep out for fear he would break character.
Simon Glass hated Dr. Clef. And he vowed that one day, he would ruin him. Forever.