Welcome to the FBI’s second least popular division; the Unusual Incidents Unit.
Most of you are probably here as a punishment, because someone wants you out of their hair.
Any of you here because you told your superiors the truth, and they didn’t believe it?
Ah, just one. Well then, I’m going to need to make a demonstration. You see; the UIU is a joke, but not for the reasons you guys think. I’m sure most of you will recognise this as a Desert Eagle. It’s loaded with .50 bullets. So seven rounds in the magazine.
Let’s count them out: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven .. eight, nine, ten, eleven… I could keep going, but I’ll hand the magazine around so you can see I’m not using sleight of hand.
So, if what we’re investigating is real, why are we a joke? Because we’re way out of our depth.
You guys aren’t trained for the sort of stuff that we’re meant to be investigating.
Of course, you do get really good bereavement benefits.
Pop quiz: How many rounds are there in that magazine?
Nope, the guy I found it on thought it was limitless too. It holds one thousand, two hundred, ninety six rounds. He ran out while shooting at me.
Now for the terminology. We deal in Carts and Cans.
A Cart is a confirmed artifact; an object that doesn’t belong within this world.
A Can is a confirmed anomaly; an event or area that involves something impossible.
A Can Man is a person who is anomalous. These tend to be particularly dangerous, and you’ll probably find someone else is there looking for them.
We're not the only ones dealing with this stuff. When you're out on an investigation, keep your eyes out for other interested parties:
Men in suits, sunglasses, the works, your stereotypical spooks. Men in Black. If you get a chance, keep eyes on them. They’re bastards, completely untrustworthy, but if they give an order you follow it.
They work for the government, apparently. And they outrank us.
Militia groups, highly trained, sometimes armed with Carts. We figure there’s more than one, we’ve seen them fighting each other. They come in and take, or destroy, whatever it is they’re after. Then they leave, and we have to cover it up. Don’t try and interfere without backup; and be aware that they are better equipped than us. They’re dangerous, ruthless and vicious. But at least they’re honest. If they give you an order, follow it.
If you don’t they’ll kill you.
The Cart Shoppers.
Marshall, Carter and Dark; they’re an auction house, and a gentleman’s club. Their customers are extremely rich, and tend to have rather disturbing tastes. Official policy is to raid any known Cart dealers, but you should be very careful around MC and D. Their security forces don’t want to make a scene, so wait for backup before going in and you should be relatively safe. If they give you an order… well, decide for yourselves; assuming you have free will at the time.
The Can Collection.
They call themselves The Serpent's Hand. They often interfere with the actions of other groups, generally to free or protect Can Men. They are happy to use artifacts, and have very little interest in secrecy. They understand anomalies better than most because most of them seem to be anomalies. Do not confront them in public, you won’t win and the Suits will be annoyed about having to clean up your mess.
If they give you an order consider following it, they can probably set you on fire with their mind.
And finally, the guys we actually get on with: The Skippers.
You’ll know they’re there, you’ll see something labeled Soap and Care Products, Superior Consumer Produce, Sudden Career Possibilities or Security for Corporate Profiteers. They’re not trying to hide from us, just from the public.
The Skippers are well trained, know what they’re doing, and they’re helpful. Their aim seems to be similar to ours: find anomalies, quietly, and get them under control and out of the public eye. If they’re there then the problem’s probably out of your league, but you can go introduce yourself if you like. If they ask you for help… well they’ll make sure your family are looked after if you die, in addition to the standard bereavement package from us.
If you receive a call starting with “Hey Skipper” it means there’s something they can’t be bothered dealing with. It’s almost certainly a minor artifact. Those things help us keep our funding, so make sure to take Skipper calls seriously.
If a Skipper gives you an order, follow it. Because while they probably won’t kill you, the anomaly will.
I once took orders from a pizza delivery guy. Didn’t even realise he was from Spicy Crust Pizzeria until it was all over.
That is why we’re a joke.