Unstable Thoughts
rating: +16+x

It's so cold. This place has always been so cold and dark. Well, not so dark, but it doesn't count for me. I've been here for a long time, and it's so boring. I mostly spend my days walking around. Sometimes I sit and I try to think, but it's so hard now. I have shattered memories about the me before the current "me". I can barely remember people I loved when I was younger, but not their names or even their faces. I can see myself running, and playing, and getting hurt, and crying. I can remember a man who came one day to my… home? Did I ever have a home before? Nevermind.

Why is it so cold here?

He's the one I can remember well, I'll never forget it, not even now. He was tall and thin, with a huge mustache that it looked almost like a smile, but he didn't look happy at all. He said something to me and the other people around me. I can't recall what he said exactly, but we followed him. I can't remember anything but dust, and smoke and that red thing from that moment till my last memory being the old "me".

I raise my hand. I can see my bones through my flesh.

I was in a… thing that goes underwater? What was the word? Su… Sub-mah-reeen? Anyways, I was with others in it, travelling through the sea. I always liked the sea, even now. Water everywhere. We were taking a thing to a special place. They told me it was a weapon to defeat our enemies. I thought it was rather funny. Basically a big, white ball with strange symbols. I used to know what the symbols meant, but now I don't care anymore. You forget what you don't use, after all. I always think about the time I spent in that thing. I don't want forget, but one day I will.

I can hear sounds through the walls. They keep building it thicker.

We reached a place where water and ice met. At least, that's what they told me. I couldn't see too much from inside of the submahreen. Another day, and nothing to do. Red alarms and screams from machines started, breaking the calm. everybody was running through small passages, as was I. They saw other things get close to us. Everybody prepared themselves for battle, looking at glowing screens and checking our weapons. I went to my position and started to to check my own screen for enemies. I saw. There were two small points getting closer to us. A thing started to talk through a speak-machine ordering the enemies to retreat. I looked at my screen again. I saw a shiny thing going from one of the shiny points directly to me. I screamed at the things to prepare for the impact, and immediately after a big sound filled the place. It was followed by the water, which was really cold. I ran fast to avoid seeing the other things going down. I went directly to the ball. I looked at it desperately. I remember the pain in my ears. Something tried to talk to me, but I couldn't hear what it said. I remember the fear. Those things and I were going to die. I turned my head and I saw the weapon one last time, and for a second, I saw it glow. Another explosion. This time it caught too close. The pain and fear vanished from my boiling mind, and darkness surrounded me.

Raw meat again. I miss the cooked one. I touch it for a moment. I like meat well cooked.

I suddenly woke up floating in the sea. I inmediately felt the cold water around my body and trying to go land. It was strange, I could see shattered pieces of metal and gore. The sea was no longer blue, but red and for some reason, green around me. I realized that the land was too far, so I tried to swim to the closest trash. I felt scared again, but it was weird. It was like being scared by the first time. When I reached the place I realized something new about myself. I was glowing, in a shiny green, and my bones were visible, but I was otherwise unharmed. I thought for the first time again, trying to think how this happened, but I felt my head was running slowly. I floated a big chunk of black metal and waited. I see one thing floating close to me, and its reddy face kept its last scream. I don't know what to do. I got angry, screaming as hard as possible, and anything listened to me. In that moment I felt my second emotion: Hate. For my enemies, the things that destroyed this and made me feel cold, and angry, and hungry. There was nothing to do, so I waited and waited.

My enemies came today. I tried to kill them, but they attacked me with cold guns, and I felt fear.

I think I was dying. No food, no water and alone. I tried to drink, but it was awful. I don't know how much time, but I was dying. The glowing always present, and is hard to sleep when your… your skin is invisible. One day, I suddenly woke up, and I was inside of a room. I don't know how I got there, but I forgot everything when I saw food. I ran, and I ate for the first time as fast as possible. I realized something new when it burned in my mouth, but I didn't care, and I kept eating and drinking like an animal. When I finished, I tried to inspect the place I was. No windows, made of metal. I don't know what happened to me then. I just remember angry and hate again, so much hate. And things dying, and a lot of red. Then I wake up, and I'm here, and I've been here since that. They are my enemies, and I hate them. I kill them everytime I can, but they make me feel cold. I hate cold. Always so cold.

They always watch me, but I can watch them too.

I stop remember. They are watching me. I can feel it. Something is starting to change inside me. I stand up and turn to the camera over me. I try to watch them through the eye over my cage, but it's impossible. I keep trying and trying. My mind starts to run again, faster and faster, And then I slowly start to see through the camera, and cables, until I reach to a new room. I watch them, and they realize that something is close. My mind is clear, my memories suddenly come back, all at once. I remember everything again. It feels so refreshing, but I still watch them. I hate them, but now my hate has a reason. I try to reach them. I "touch" one of them, and she starts bleeding, and then falls to the ground. Suddenly, a lot of forgotten feelings come right at my face. I return to my cage and I think while I still can. What am I? Am I a monster? I don't want to be a stupid freak within a cold cage forever. I felt in despair. I can feel my mind shutting down again, losing thoughts and memories again, falling into the darkness again. I passed out, and my last coherent thought crossed my mind like a bullet.

I just want to die.

Why's it so cold? This place has always been so cold and dark, well, not so dark, but it don't count for me. It's so boring. I can just walk around or sit and remember. There so few to remember now. I can remember things I loved, but not their colors, or form, or what they were, but I remember that I loved. I remember myself running, and playing, and hurting, and crying. But the only thing I can remember well is this feel. I want to die, I hate here, and they, and me, and food, and cold, and glowing, and bones. I hate everything. They come again today, but it's different. They have guns. I stand up, but I don't attack them, not anymore. They see me. They look funny with weird white dresses and hats. I cant see their faces, but I don't care. They prepare, and for a moment, a tiny little moment. I feel something that I have never felt here.

Thank you.

Due to gross negligence, a decommission order was enacted a ██/██/2009 following the incident reported in addendum. SCP-019 was terminated without incident. Remains showed no anomalous effects, and were disposed of by incineration.

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