'Weissman Model Assistance Clones' (ET796/IH249/W3336)
rating: +47+x
ET796/IH249/W3336
Status Selling Destroyed
Demand Medium/Low
Value 150,000USD/120,000GBP per item
Availability Established Supply Chain Current Inventory (26), Estimated Worldwide (~1650)
Identifier Weissman Model Assistance Clones
Description Be in the best hands in your twilight years. Weissman Model Assistance Clones are smart, capable, well-trained servants that tailor their care specifically to you. They won't complain, won't object, and will make sure that you're always taken care of.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Initial Report
Author Cedric Weissman Date September 28, 1991
Interest Medium/Low Identifier Weissman Model Assistance Clones
For the people who know me personally, you'll know that I have been a loyal member of Marshall, Carter and Dark since my induction. You will also know that I'm significantly older now than I was since my induction. Before I end up popping my clogs, I decided to contribute one last thing to the organization so others may have an easier time in their twilight years than I did.

My in-house assistant Samantha, despite her price, was a burden. She was lovely, obviously, and took care of everything from spoon feeding me to wiping my arse, but if I could describe her attitude towards me it would be disgusted. She did her job, but only because I was paying a pretty penny for it. She wasn't doing this because she cared about me at all, she was doing it because I was giving her a yearly salary of 60 thousand quid.

So, before I lost the feeling in my arms, I worked on a solution. While my soul may pass on to wherever it'll end up, I'm giving a piece of my body to you all. Clones. Identical to me in my prime, minus the soul and the charm. Blueprints to make them are being delivered as I speak now, along with more in-depth descriptions of their special features. Built-in knowledge on the basics and advanced practices of care. The ability to form a bond to whoever owns it. The guarantee that it will outlast its owner.

I likely won't be around to see it come to fruition, but when this is finally built, I'd like you all to imagine I'm staring back at you from each of those beautiful bodies, letting you know that I'm smiling down on you all. I've strained my voice to tits dictating this, so this is probably the last time you'll hear from me.

Don't let me down.
File Opened Under: ET796/IH249/W3336
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Memo 01
ET796/IH249/W3336
Sender Ruprecht Carter Recipient Eugene Thacker
Thacker my boy, it seems you've finally got a job. Considering your personal relationship with Weissman, it would only make sense that you take up selling his final contribution. Fortunately for you, he's done half of your job for you with this; you'll essentially be selling immortal, handsome, six-foot four manservants.

Not going to be a hard sell I'd imagine. It'll be just like the good old days back when I had a whole fleet of servants myself! I'm sure that our clientele will be longing for that same nostalgic feeling; I certainly will appreciate having a decent chauffeur again.

Considering that their looks are about enough to swoon over any dusty old hag looking for a personal helper, all you really need to do behind the scenes is make sure they pop out of the oven fine and don't get bumped or bruised in transport. Only an idiot could screw that up. Don't be an idiot, Thacker.

~Regards, Ruprecht Carter
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Inventory Information
ET796/IH249/W3336
Owner Quantity Comments
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP N/A Supplier; Commission-only since July, 1992. (Incident Report 07)
The Factory 50 Items used for labor.
Doctor Wondertainment 50 Items used for labor or as mascots, as needed.
Clovis Colombain III, Earl of Thistlebrush N/A Sale did not go through as the buyer was discovered to be an alias of Herman Fuller, currently blacklisted for attempted theft of the Soul Sucker.
Customers ~1400 Items typically bought by customers aged 55 or older, however approximately 40 percent of customers are aged 25-35.
Internal Purchases ~150 Items bought by members of Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Incident Report 07
ET796/IH249/W3336
Author Eugene Thacker Date July 16th, 1992
To Mr. Carter,

The facility caught fire yesterday. Something came loose in the machine, the whole mechanism started to malfunction, and we lost a lot of the clones. I tried to save as many as I could, but I couldn't save them all. I think we lost about 50 of them, but I didn't count.

With all due respect, we shouldn't keep this machine running all the time, printing out clones and hoping that people buy them. We'll risk more fires, more clones dying, and potential loss of files, equipment, and members of the organization. That's why I'm suggesting we change this to a commission-only product. We may lose a bit of money in the short term, considering that it won't be readily available for clients who want them, but we have a bit to gain by doing this.

First, the amount of defects that come out would be reduced drastically. Defects usually come out when the machine isn't thoroughly cleaned out. With how often it's running now, staff don't get a lot of chances to clean it quickly enough. Second, if people only order this by commission, we won't be leaving clones on the proverbial shelves to sit and gather dust. Finally, there's the obvious bonus of fewer risks of fires.

This could be a huge boost to us in the long term, both financially and in terms of our moral image. Clones won't suffer, and customers will be satisfied.

Please consider it. Thank you.

~Eugene Thacker
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Memo 10
ET796/IH249/W3336
Sender Ruprecht Carter Recipient Eugene Thacker
In response to your proposal of making the Weissman clones commission-only, you definitely seem to have a good head on your shoulders about this. I agree with you, at least in terms of financials.

If you're worried about our moral image, think about the situation this way: the clones don't have souls. This means they're guaranteed to not burn in hell. There's always a silver lining, Thacker, you just need to look for it.

There will need to be some damage control during the transition, however. Try marketing customizability and versatility. If people buy it, we may have a use for those defects after all! Perhaps we could even try to make them ourselves. A conjoined one came out the other day, surely someone will have a use for it.

~Regards, Ruprecht Carter
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Memo 15
ET796/IH249/W3336
Sender Eugene Thacker Recipient Ruprecht Carter
To Mr. Carter,

I've noticed that a lot of the people that are buying the Weissman clones don't seem to be using them for assistance, at least in the literal sense. I've had to put aside a few of my morals when I took this job in the first place, but, I figured that I should bring this up to you first since you'd probably know what to do about it.

Essentially, I noticed that there are a lot of people that are using them for, well, sex. I don't mean to be crude, I'm just noticing that a large amount of positive feedback comes from people that use them for that stuff. Young people see a handsome man who knows exactly how to "take care of them". Then, they realize that they don't need to be old to be taken care of. Do you think that we should cut it back, maybe? Let these people know "Hey, this isn't exactly kosher, could you stop that"?

I'll listen to you first and foremost, but… I just don't necessarily want something like this to tarnish MCD's name. Do you understand?

Please write back soon.

~Eugene Thacker
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Memo 16
ET796/IH249/W3336
Sender Ruprecht Carter Recipient Eugene Thacker
Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Thacker. I understand your concerns, I certainly wouldn't want any goodie-two-shoes trying to disrupt this operation. Despite this, I think you're looking a bit too much into this.

Could it be problematic that people buy clones to have sex with them? Yes. Could it be problematic that we're selling these at all? Potentially. Would releasing an official notice about this increase our profits? No. Our clients wouldn't appreciate being told what to do with their own property, and there's no sense in making a moral stance if it won't generate any PR. I personally couldn't care less what people end up using these things for so long as they pay for it.

These aren't real people, they're shells that are designed to serve however their owners want them to serve. This is not going to tarnish the name of Marshall, Carter and Dark. We will stay at the forefront of the anomalous marketplace for centuries to come, so as long as you have confidence in us, we will keep our confidence in you. You've done good work for us so far, Thacker. Don't screw it up after all this.

~Regards, Ruprecht Carter
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Sale Records
ET796/IH249/W3336
Records From: February, 1992 to April, 1993
Month Sold Comments
February, 1992 13 Three clones created for display purposes by Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP.
March, 1992 59 Doctor Wondertainment bulk order.
April, 1992 27
May, 1992 64 Factory bulk order.
June, 1992 20
July, 1992 9 Brief dip in sales due to fire. (Incident Report 07)
August, 1992 31 Official transition to commission and customization.
September, 1992 78
October, 1992 169 Halloween bump. High demand for grossly-defective clones.
November, 1992 108
December, 1992 238 Christmas bump.
January, 1993 258 Sales bump attributed to creation and debut of gender-transitioned clones.
February, 1993 311 High demand for clones with enlarged genitalia.
March, 1993 212
April, 1993 69 Cessation of sales and creation of clones. (Incident Report 39)
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Incident Report 39
ET796/IH249/W3336
Author Eugene Thacker Date April 10th, 1993
I burned it all down.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
Memo 48
ET796/IH249/W3336
Sender Eugene Thacker Recipient Ruprecht Carter
To Mr. Carter,

This will be the last thing you hear from me. I know I'm taking a risk by sending this message, but I couldn't leave without a proper goodbye. I'll make this quick.

You already know that I did it. I can't let stuff like that continue like it has. I shouldn't have let it be a thing to begin with. If you can't see the horrors going on around us as we keep pumping these things out, then you're either ignorant or greedy. My guess is a combination of the two.

I read the report Mr. Weissman gave before he died. He said we should imagine him looking through all the eyes of those clones. Well, I imagined it. I imagined him looking through those eyes as people desecrated him. I imagined him looking as we mangled his body and fused it with others. I imagined him looking as he burned to death in that fire. He taught me everything I knew, and he did not want this. He wouldn't have wanted any of this. No decent human being would ever want anything like this.

So now I'm fixing it. And I'm going to make damn sure that people like you can't do stuff like this again. I don't know how yet, but I'll figure it out. For now, I'm starting with undoing the mistakes that I made.

So here's my formal goodbye. Go to Hell.

~Eugene Thacker
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP
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